Ramadan Mubarak!

I haven't updated for a while. Been pretty busy trying to figure things out and life is getting in the way. Had to give up my online courses as it became too much juggling emotions, work, life, and studying for my career designation exam. It's been up and down the past few months, but I'm surviving :)

Two months ago, my coworker told me he was leaving for another job. This guy has become one of my best friends, and needless to say, I was devastated. I knew he'd been looking, but it still seemed to come out of the blue. I thought I'd have more time with him. He has taught me so much about myself, about life, about friendship and I didn't know how I would cope without him.

It's been hard. Lots of tears. Lots of struggling to get up and go to work in the morning. I hate going to work now. It's not fun anymore. The job itself was never all that interesting, but at least I had a friend to pass the day with. Now I'm left with people who judge me and want me to be something I'm not. There are only a few people left I can actually trust and talk to, and without one in particular, I would have crashed and burned by now.

Oddly enough, this person is my boss. But we actually spend more time discussing faith and God than we do discussing work. She is convinced that I will find my faith sooner rather than later. I hope she's right.

It's hard. Being bipolar has never been easy, and having to deal with this while trying to keep myself from sinking into a depression is not easy. It's hard interacting every day with people I don't really care for, whose views and values are different than my own, and who don't really interest me. It's hard not having my friend around. It's getting easier, but every so often I see his name on paperwork or in an email, and I still feel sad.

I fasted today for Ramadan. I'd been considering it since about February and made the decision that it couldn't hurt to do it (although stupid me didn't get up in time to eat something this morning!) I did Lent back in the spring so figured why not observe Ramadan as well?

I was really excited about it last night. Can't explain why, but I was actually looking forward to fasting. Yes, it was hard, but I think I can stick to it for the next month. The hard part is explaining to people at work why I'm not eating, because they won't understand and will jump to conclusions, and I'm at the point where I just don't want to deal with their stupidity.

So, to all the Muslims out there: Ramadan Mubarak! Hope your fast is easy on you!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" Reinhold Niebuhr

Mixed Emotions

I haven't posted lately for a couple of reasons.

First, I've enrolled in an online degree program in Islamic studies through the Islamic Online University. It's a full time program, and this semester my courses are:

• Aqeedah
• Arabic
• Computers
• English
• Fiqh
• Tajweed

So far, my favorite is Fiqh, which for those who don't know is "a critical study of the history
of Islamic legislation and the evolution of its various schools of law." It's really interesting! We're only three modules in, but I've already learned so much. Tajweed is hard (basically the correct recitation of the Qur'an) as I think it assumes a basic understanding of the Arabic language, which I don't have. I'm really excited to be taking these courses and I hope to learn a lot!

The flip side to my happiness with my courses is that my best friend had a miscarriage - her second one in 6 months. She's only 29, so the odds should have been in her favor this time, but sadly they weren't.

Some people on a message board I frequent had suggested I start praying, as it couldn't hurt. I have been, and my best friend is someone I had been praying for. So when I heard the news that she had lost the baby, my reaction was to basically say "Well, that proves there's no God. How could he do that to such a wonderful, loving person? Not once, but twice?" I know that people will say that everything happens for a reason, but I can't see a reason for this. What kind of God would allow people to experience such joy and excitment, and then take that away? Then do it again 6 months later?

I know that if there is a God, then the reason we're here is to learn, and part of learning is suffering. Life on Earth can't be perfect because that's what heaven is. But hearing the pain in my friend's voice as she told me broke my heart, and I can't fathom how a loving God could do that to one of his children.

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Jesus (Matthew 27:46)

Quiet

It's the quiet times during the day that I find myself thinking about God and faith. Usually at night. Lately, I've been trying to pray at night. At this point, I still don't know who I'm praying to, but I hope someone is listening.

It's hard "going it alone" so to speak. I don't really have anyone to turn to and ask questions. With my husband, things usually turn into a good-natured debates, which I don't mind, but it doesn't really help me that much. My best friend is agnostic like me, so can't really answer any of my questions as her answers are either the same as mine or she has the same questions. I have a friend at work who is religious, but I don't know if we're at the point in our relationship where I can ask him the questions I need answering. It's not really lunchroom conversation, you know?

So, I'm left to ponder things in the quiet, by myself. I try to learn as much as I can by reading about different religions, but sometimes the answer I recieve from reading aren't clear enough, or I find conflicting answers.

I really do admire people who have strong faith. I wish I had a tiny portion of the faith that they have. I want to believe. I want to know what the Truth is. I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm going around in circles, when I want to be on a straight path. How long do I have to struggle before I find my way? How many more nights to I have to ponder? How many more periods of quiet will be shattered with my silent cries of frustration? When will it be my turn to believe?

"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into" Mahatama Gandhi