Questions

It's weird. I don't know why I want to find faith so much. I look at my husband and wonder how he can just go through life perfectly content being an agnostic. There's nothing wrong with his view, it's just not one I can comprehend. He asked me what faith would do for me and my response was that I won't know until I find it, but it can't be a bad thing. His counter-argument was that if he can lead a good life without faith, why spend so much time looking for it?

It's a fair point, but I can't not look. It's like there's this voice inside my head saying "Keep looking, Nix. You know the answers are there. You just have to find them." I can't explain it. There are times my brain goes into scientific mode and won't allow me to believe the universe and everything in it were created by some being. No, science doesn't give me all the answers, but the answers it gives make more sense than the answers of any particular religion. So then why am I even bothering to search for answers? Why am I looking into religions that tell me everything I take as fact is wrong? Because I can't not look.

I just finished participating in Lent for the first time in about 20 years. Some coworkers were giving things up and I jumped on the bandwagon. I figured it couldn't hurt. I gave up drinking pop, which was quite hard as I usually have 1 or 2 per day. I think I had hoped that participating might help me find something that was missing. I didn't. Maybe because I had already given up any thought of embracing Christianity.

I had thought about participating in Ramadan this year, but if I don't believe, is there a point in participating? Some have told me to go for it as it can only help bring me closer to God. But is there a point to making such a sacrifice if it's not for God? Yes, it will help me understand the suffering that countless people around the world go through, but will it bring me closer to God? I don't know. A lecturer I recently heard made the point that without believing in tawheed the other pillars (including the fast) are meaningless.

Wanting to believe is harder than it sounds. I can't just flick a switch and suddenly believe. It's not that easy. I want to be on the path to the truth, but I don't even know where the path begins.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King, Jr.

Back to Square One

It's been a while since I actively tried to find faith. After I met my husband, we moved in together, started building a life together, and recently got married. Between finishing school and starting my career, the thought of finding faith slipped to a hidden chamber in the back of my mind.

Occasionally the opportunity would present itself to have a debate or discussion about religion with people who were either religious or not, but they never led anywhere. In the end, I just went about my days, happy with the way my life was.

But now, I'm back to square one.

Trying to find faith is turning out to be one of the hardest challenges I've faced in my 30 years of existence. You would think it would be as easy as saying "I believe in God" (or Buddha, Krishna, etc). But it's not that easy. My heart wants to believe, but my mind has a tendency of saying "Are you really going to believe that?"

There's also the problem of sorting out my morals and beliefs with religion's morals and beliefs. It's not that easy to change the way you think about things.

I will admit one thing, however. Several people on a religious forum have recently told me that I should pray. Figuring it couldn't hurt, I gave it a try. I prayed for my heart to open, for strength, for patience, for happiness, and for my friends.

Since I started, I have been happier.

Since I started, I have had more patience.

Since I started, I have felt more inner strength than I did before.

Since I started, I have wanted to believe more than I did before.

Coincidence? Or Higher Power?

I'd like to believe it's the latter, but it's too soon for me to say that. Hopefully one day. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to" George Seaton

University

I have two degrees. While pursuing the first, I took so many religious studies courses as electives that I was able to finish a second degree in Religious Studies a year after finishing my first degree.

It started in first year, when I took World Religions as one of my electives. It sounded interesting so I signed up. The following two years saw me signing up for more courses, such as Death and Dying; Cults in North America; The Encounter of Science and Religion; etc. I didn't take the courses to try and find my faith, but at some point I think it sparked a desire to find something.

I remember in class one day we were discussing Islam. I can't remember what the topic was, but it had something to do with women in Islam, and how uninformed people outside of Islam seem to believe that the women are oppressed by the religion, whereas, in fact, women in Islam have more rights and freedoms than women in many other religions. It was a very eye-opening discussion for me, and I started to look into Islam. I'm not a feminist, but I believe men and women are equals. A religion that expressed that same belief piqued my curiosity.

At one point I briefly considered converting to Islam, but I don't know how serious I really was. I think it was just a desire to be part of something, not that I really believed in the tenants of the religion. I think I wanted to believe, but I encountered the same resistance from my brain that I had before: the questions of the origins of the universe, where we came from, why can't two men who love each other be together? The questions weren't aimed at Islam alone, but at all religions that stated as fact ideas that didn't mesh with my own scientific beliefs. Even though I believed in some aspects of Islam, like women's rights, in the end I turned away from the faith.

My religious quest in university didn't last very long at all. I still found the courses interesting and insightful, but they didn't really affect me or my way of thinking. I'm glad I took the courses, as I believe that learning is never a waste, but I wish I'd been able to take something more away from them.

I have my faith in science. Now what I want is faith in something bigger...

"Scientists were rated as great heretics by the church, but they were truly religious men because of their faith in the orderliness of the universe" Albert Einstein