Back to Square One

It's been a while since I actively tried to find faith. After I met my husband, we moved in together, started building a life together, and recently got married. Between finishing school and starting my career, the thought of finding faith slipped to a hidden chamber in the back of my mind.

Occasionally the opportunity would present itself to have a debate or discussion about religion with people who were either religious or not, but they never led anywhere. In the end, I just went about my days, happy with the way my life was.

But now, I'm back to square one.

Trying to find faith is turning out to be one of the hardest challenges I've faced in my 30 years of existence. You would think it would be as easy as saying "I believe in God" (or Buddha, Krishna, etc). But it's not that easy. My heart wants to believe, but my mind has a tendency of saying "Are you really going to believe that?"

There's also the problem of sorting out my morals and beliefs with religion's morals and beliefs. It's not that easy to change the way you think about things.

I will admit one thing, however. Several people on a religious forum have recently told me that I should pray. Figuring it couldn't hurt, I gave it a try. I prayed for my heart to open, for strength, for patience, for happiness, and for my friends.

Since I started, I have been happier.

Since I started, I have had more patience.

Since I started, I have felt more inner strength than I did before.

Since I started, I have wanted to believe more than I did before.

Coincidence? Or Higher Power?

I'd like to believe it's the latter, but it's too soon for me to say that. Hopefully one day. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to" George Seaton

University

I have two degrees. While pursuing the first, I took so many religious studies courses as electives that I was able to finish a second degree in Religious Studies a year after finishing my first degree.

It started in first year, when I took World Religions as one of my electives. It sounded interesting so I signed up. The following two years saw me signing up for more courses, such as Death and Dying; Cults in North America; The Encounter of Science and Religion; etc. I didn't take the courses to try and find my faith, but at some point I think it sparked a desire to find something.

I remember in class one day we were discussing Islam. I can't remember what the topic was, but it had something to do with women in Islam, and how uninformed people outside of Islam seem to believe that the women are oppressed by the religion, whereas, in fact, women in Islam have more rights and freedoms than women in many other religions. It was a very eye-opening discussion for me, and I started to look into Islam. I'm not a feminist, but I believe men and women are equals. A religion that expressed that same belief piqued my curiosity.

At one point I briefly considered converting to Islam, but I don't know how serious I really was. I think it was just a desire to be part of something, not that I really believed in the tenants of the religion. I think I wanted to believe, but I encountered the same resistance from my brain that I had before: the questions of the origins of the universe, where we came from, why can't two men who love each other be together? The questions weren't aimed at Islam alone, but at all religions that stated as fact ideas that didn't mesh with my own scientific beliefs. Even though I believed in some aspects of Islam, like women's rights, in the end I turned away from the faith.

My religious quest in university didn't last very long at all. I still found the courses interesting and insightful, but they didn't really affect me or my way of thinking. I'm glad I took the courses, as I believe that learning is never a waste, but I wish I'd been able to take something more away from them.

I have my faith in science. Now what I want is faith in something bigger...

"Scientists were rated as great heretics by the church, but they were truly religious men because of their faith in the orderliness of the universe" Albert Einstein

Losing Faith

I never did my confirmation as we had moved and I was in public school by that time. I vaguely remember being given a choice of whether I wanted to do it or not, and said no. So I may have started to lose my faith by then.

By the time I was in high school my faith was definitely lost. I was into astronomy and science and what I was learning about didn't coincide with my belief system. I don't think it was a conscious decision to stop believing in God, it was just the end result of believing in the Big Bang and evolution. I didn't know how to reconcile science and religion. I didn't even know if they could be reconciled. How could I believe that God created man in his image when I believed wholeheartedly that we evolved from some ape-type creature? I also had a hard time reconciling why God would let horrible things happen, especially to good people. It just didn't make sense to me.

I went through a very brief stage of calling myself an atheist, but then realized that I couldn't say for certain that God didn't exist, so I quickly started calling myself an agnostic as I couldn't be sure either way.

When I was 17 I hit a turning point. I suffered a sports injury that effectively ended what I had hoped would be a career in my chosen sport. I immediately became severely depressed. And confused. If God existed, how could he let this happen? What did I do to deserve his punishment?

I think it's fair to say that all this added up to one confused teenager. I didn't dwell on my lost faith, it was just something that happened. It didn't concern me at all. I didn't expect that a few years down the road I would begin searching for answers...

"The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us, and I for one must be content to remain an agnostic" Charles Darwin

Childhood

It was kind of nice being a kid. When you're a kid, you don't question things. Not really, anyway. Someone tells you about the Tooth Fairy or Santa and you just believe them. Same with God. I was baptized as a baby, taught about God, attended a Catholic school, did my First Communion...all without questioning what it was I was believing in.

The stories were nice - my favorite was always Noah's Ark. I liked hearing about Jesus and how he was born in the stable and his life, and I accepted it all as fact. Even after figuring out that the Tooth Fairy and Santa weren't real, I kept on believing in the religion I was being taught.

I liked believing. I liked thinking that everyone went to Heaven if they were good. My Granddad died when I was 6. I remember my mum telling me that "Granddad went to live with Jesus." I didn't really know what death was, but I knew Heaven was far away and that meant I wouldn't see my Granddad anymore. While I was sad, I knew he was in Heaven and that I would see him again.

I wish I still had that faith. Not necessarily blind faith, but faith of some sort.

"Ultimately, blind faith is the only kind" Mason Cooley

Welcome!

I guess I should start off by telling you a bit about myself:

• I'm a 30 year old, white female
  
• I'm recently married, after having been with my guy for almost 9 years
• I was born and raised in Canada
• I was raised Catholic
• I am currently Agnostic
• I love animals
• I believe, without a doubt, in the Big Bang and evolution
  

I'm trying to rediscover faith without compromising my scientific beliefs, which isn't easy. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this...my husband is 100% scientific and doesn't worry about whether there is a god or not. My best friend is agnostic like myself, but isn't too worried about changing that. Another good friend is religious, and just doesn't see what's so hard about believing. So it's hard to talk to people who are on completely different wavelengths. It's good sometimes, because they each offer their own perspective, but sometimes I just want people to understand what I'm feeling.

Hence, this blog. A place where I can just express myself without fear of any type. A place where I can try and ask questions that may offend some people in the real world. A place where I can admit my hopes and fears.

It may be a long journey, but it's one I need to take.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" Lao Tzu