Back to Square One

It's been a while since I actively tried to find faith. After I met my husband, we moved in together, started building a life together, and recently got married. Between finishing school and starting my career, the thought of finding faith slipped to a hidden chamber in the back of my mind.

Occasionally the opportunity would present itself to have a debate or discussion about religion with people who were either religious or not, but they never led anywhere. In the end, I just went about my days, happy with the way my life was.

But now, I'm back to square one.

Trying to find faith is turning out to be one of the hardest challenges I've faced in my 30 years of existence. You would think it would be as easy as saying "I believe in God" (or Buddha, Krishna, etc). But it's not that easy. My heart wants to believe, but my mind has a tendency of saying "Are you really going to believe that?"

There's also the problem of sorting out my morals and beliefs with religion's morals and beliefs. It's not that easy to change the way you think about things.

I will admit one thing, however. Several people on a religious forum have recently told me that I should pray. Figuring it couldn't hurt, I gave it a try. I prayed for my heart to open, for strength, for patience, for happiness, and for my friends.

Since I started, I have been happier.

Since I started, I have had more patience.

Since I started, I have felt more inner strength than I did before.

Since I started, I have wanted to believe more than I did before.

Coincidence? Or Higher Power?

I'd like to believe it's the latter, but it's too soon for me to say that. Hopefully one day. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to" George Seaton