Questions

It's weird. I don't know why I want to find faith so much. I look at my husband and wonder how he can just go through life perfectly content being an agnostic. There's nothing wrong with his view, it's just not one I can comprehend. He asked me what faith would do for me and my response was that I won't know until I find it, but it can't be a bad thing. His counter-argument was that if he can lead a good life without faith, why spend so much time looking for it?

It's a fair point, but I can't not look. It's like there's this voice inside my head saying "Keep looking, Nix. You know the answers are there. You just have to find them." I can't explain it. There are times my brain goes into scientific mode and won't allow me to believe the universe and everything in it were created by some being. No, science doesn't give me all the answers, but the answers it gives make more sense than the answers of any particular religion. So then why am I even bothering to search for answers? Why am I looking into religions that tell me everything I take as fact is wrong? Because I can't not look.

I just finished participating in Lent for the first time in about 20 years. Some coworkers were giving things up and I jumped on the bandwagon. I figured it couldn't hurt. I gave up drinking pop, which was quite hard as I usually have 1 or 2 per day. I think I had hoped that participating might help me find something that was missing. I didn't. Maybe because I had already given up any thought of embracing Christianity.

I had thought about participating in Ramadan this year, but if I don't believe, is there a point in participating? Some have told me to go for it as it can only help bring me closer to God. But is there a point to making such a sacrifice if it's not for God? Yes, it will help me understand the suffering that countless people around the world go through, but will it bring me closer to God? I don't know. A lecturer I recently heard made the point that without believing in tawheed the other pillars (including the fast) are meaningless.

Wanting to believe is harder than it sounds. I can't just flick a switch and suddenly believe. It's not that easy. I want to be on the path to the truth, but I don't even know where the path begins.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King, Jr.