Quiet

It's the quiet times during the day that I find myself thinking about God and faith. Usually at night. Lately, I've been trying to pray at night. At this point, I still don't know who I'm praying to, but I hope someone is listening.

It's hard "going it alone" so to speak. I don't really have anyone to turn to and ask questions. With my husband, things usually turn into a good-natured debates, which I don't mind, but it doesn't really help me that much. My best friend is agnostic like me, so can't really answer any of my questions as her answers are either the same as mine or she has the same questions. I have a friend at work who is religious, but I don't know if we're at the point in our relationship where I can ask him the questions I need answering. It's not really lunchroom conversation, you know?

So, I'm left to ponder things in the quiet, by myself. I try to learn as much as I can by reading about different religions, but sometimes the answer I recieve from reading aren't clear enough, or I find conflicting answers.

I really do admire people who have strong faith. I wish I had a tiny portion of the faith that they have. I want to believe. I want to know what the Truth is. I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm going around in circles, when I want to be on a straight path. How long do I have to struggle before I find my way? How many more nights to I have to ponder? How many more periods of quiet will be shattered with my silent cries of frustration? When will it be my turn to believe?

"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into" Mahatama Gandhi