Ramadan Mubarak!

I haven't updated for a while. Been pretty busy trying to figure things out and life is getting in the way. Had to give up my online courses as it became too much juggling emotions, work, life, and studying for my career designation exam. It's been up and down the past few months, but I'm surviving :)

Two months ago, my coworker told me he was leaving for another job. This guy has become one of my best friends, and needless to say, I was devastated. I knew he'd been looking, but it still seemed to come out of the blue. I thought I'd have more time with him. He has taught me so much about myself, about life, about friendship and I didn't know how I would cope without him.

It's been hard. Lots of tears. Lots of struggling to get up and go to work in the morning. I hate going to work now. It's not fun anymore. The job itself was never all that interesting, but at least I had a friend to pass the day with. Now I'm left with people who judge me and want me to be something I'm not. There are only a few people left I can actually trust and talk to, and without one in particular, I would have crashed and burned by now.

Oddly enough, this person is my boss. But we actually spend more time discussing faith and God than we do discussing work. She is convinced that I will find my faith sooner rather than later. I hope she's right.

It's hard. Being bipolar has never been easy, and having to deal with this while trying to keep myself from sinking into a depression is not easy. It's hard interacting every day with people I don't really care for, whose views and values are different than my own, and who don't really interest me. It's hard not having my friend around. It's getting easier, but every so often I see his name on paperwork or in an email, and I still feel sad.

I fasted today for Ramadan. I'd been considering it since about February and made the decision that it couldn't hurt to do it (although stupid me didn't get up in time to eat something this morning!) I did Lent back in the spring so figured why not observe Ramadan as well?

I was really excited about it last night. Can't explain why, but I was actually looking forward to fasting. Yes, it was hard, but I think I can stick to it for the next month. The hard part is explaining to people at work why I'm not eating, because they won't understand and will jump to conclusions, and I'm at the point where I just don't want to deal with their stupidity.

So, to all the Muslims out there: Ramadan Mubarak! Hope your fast is easy on you!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" Reinhold Niebuhr

Mixed Emotions

I haven't posted lately for a couple of reasons.

First, I've enrolled in an online degree program in Islamic studies through the Islamic Online University. It's a full time program, and this semester my courses are:

• Aqeedah
• Arabic
• Computers
• English
• Fiqh
• Tajweed

So far, my favorite is Fiqh, which for those who don't know is "a critical study of the history
of Islamic legislation and the evolution of its various schools of law." It's really interesting! We're only three modules in, but I've already learned so much. Tajweed is hard (basically the correct recitation of the Qur'an) as I think it assumes a basic understanding of the Arabic language, which I don't have. I'm really excited to be taking these courses and I hope to learn a lot!

The flip side to my happiness with my courses is that my best friend had a miscarriage - her second one in 6 months. She's only 29, so the odds should have been in her favor this time, but sadly they weren't.

Some people on a message board I frequent had suggested I start praying, as it couldn't hurt. I have been, and my best friend is someone I had been praying for. So when I heard the news that she had lost the baby, my reaction was to basically say "Well, that proves there's no God. How could he do that to such a wonderful, loving person? Not once, but twice?" I know that people will say that everything happens for a reason, but I can't see a reason for this. What kind of God would allow people to experience such joy and excitment, and then take that away? Then do it again 6 months later?

I know that if there is a God, then the reason we're here is to learn, and part of learning is suffering. Life on Earth can't be perfect because that's what heaven is. But hearing the pain in my friend's voice as she told me broke my heart, and I can't fathom how a loving God could do that to one of his children.

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Jesus (Matthew 27:46)

Quiet

It's the quiet times during the day that I find myself thinking about God and faith. Usually at night. Lately, I've been trying to pray at night. At this point, I still don't know who I'm praying to, but I hope someone is listening.

It's hard "going it alone" so to speak. I don't really have anyone to turn to and ask questions. With my husband, things usually turn into a good-natured debates, which I don't mind, but it doesn't really help me that much. My best friend is agnostic like me, so can't really answer any of my questions as her answers are either the same as mine or she has the same questions. I have a friend at work who is religious, but I don't know if we're at the point in our relationship where I can ask him the questions I need answering. It's not really lunchroom conversation, you know?

So, I'm left to ponder things in the quiet, by myself. I try to learn as much as I can by reading about different religions, but sometimes the answer I recieve from reading aren't clear enough, or I find conflicting answers.

I really do admire people who have strong faith. I wish I had a tiny portion of the faith that they have. I want to believe. I want to know what the Truth is. I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm going around in circles, when I want to be on a straight path. How long do I have to struggle before I find my way? How many more nights to I have to ponder? How many more periods of quiet will be shattered with my silent cries of frustration? When will it be my turn to believe?

"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into" Mahatama Gandhi

Questions

It's weird. I don't know why I want to find faith so much. I look at my husband and wonder how he can just go through life perfectly content being an agnostic. There's nothing wrong with his view, it's just not one I can comprehend. He asked me what faith would do for me and my response was that I won't know until I find it, but it can't be a bad thing. His counter-argument was that if he can lead a good life without faith, why spend so much time looking for it?

It's a fair point, but I can't not look. It's like there's this voice inside my head saying "Keep looking, Nix. You know the answers are there. You just have to find them." I can't explain it. There are times my brain goes into scientific mode and won't allow me to believe the universe and everything in it were created by some being. No, science doesn't give me all the answers, but the answers it gives make more sense than the answers of any particular religion. So then why am I even bothering to search for answers? Why am I looking into religions that tell me everything I take as fact is wrong? Because I can't not look.

I just finished participating in Lent for the first time in about 20 years. Some coworkers were giving things up and I jumped on the bandwagon. I figured it couldn't hurt. I gave up drinking pop, which was quite hard as I usually have 1 or 2 per day. I think I had hoped that participating might help me find something that was missing. I didn't. Maybe because I had already given up any thought of embracing Christianity.

I had thought about participating in Ramadan this year, but if I don't believe, is there a point in participating? Some have told me to go for it as it can only help bring me closer to God. But is there a point to making such a sacrifice if it's not for God? Yes, it will help me understand the suffering that countless people around the world go through, but will it bring me closer to God? I don't know. A lecturer I recently heard made the point that without believing in tawheed the other pillars (including the fast) are meaningless.

Wanting to believe is harder than it sounds. I can't just flick a switch and suddenly believe. It's not that easy. I want to be on the path to the truth, but I don't even know where the path begins.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King, Jr.

Back to Square One

It's been a while since I actively tried to find faith. After I met my husband, we moved in together, started building a life together, and recently got married. Between finishing school and starting my career, the thought of finding faith slipped to a hidden chamber in the back of my mind.

Occasionally the opportunity would present itself to have a debate or discussion about religion with people who were either religious or not, but they never led anywhere. In the end, I just went about my days, happy with the way my life was.

But now, I'm back to square one.

Trying to find faith is turning out to be one of the hardest challenges I've faced in my 30 years of existence. You would think it would be as easy as saying "I believe in God" (or Buddha, Krishna, etc). But it's not that easy. My heart wants to believe, but my mind has a tendency of saying "Are you really going to believe that?"

There's also the problem of sorting out my morals and beliefs with religion's morals and beliefs. It's not that easy to change the way you think about things.

I will admit one thing, however. Several people on a religious forum have recently told me that I should pray. Figuring it couldn't hurt, I gave it a try. I prayed for my heart to open, for strength, for patience, for happiness, and for my friends.

Since I started, I have been happier.

Since I started, I have had more patience.

Since I started, I have felt more inner strength than I did before.

Since I started, I have wanted to believe more than I did before.

Coincidence? Or Higher Power?

I'd like to believe it's the latter, but it's too soon for me to say that. Hopefully one day. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to" George Seaton

University

I have two degrees. While pursuing the first, I took so many religious studies courses as electives that I was able to finish a second degree in Religious Studies a year after finishing my first degree.

It started in first year, when I took World Religions as one of my electives. It sounded interesting so I signed up. The following two years saw me signing up for more courses, such as Death and Dying; Cults in North America; The Encounter of Science and Religion; etc. I didn't take the courses to try and find my faith, but at some point I think it sparked a desire to find something.

I remember in class one day we were discussing Islam. I can't remember what the topic was, but it had something to do with women in Islam, and how uninformed people outside of Islam seem to believe that the women are oppressed by the religion, whereas, in fact, women in Islam have more rights and freedoms than women in many other religions. It was a very eye-opening discussion for me, and I started to look into Islam. I'm not a feminist, but I believe men and women are equals. A religion that expressed that same belief piqued my curiosity.

At one point I briefly considered converting to Islam, but I don't know how serious I really was. I think it was just a desire to be part of something, not that I really believed in the tenants of the religion. I think I wanted to believe, but I encountered the same resistance from my brain that I had before: the questions of the origins of the universe, where we came from, why can't two men who love each other be together? The questions weren't aimed at Islam alone, but at all religions that stated as fact ideas that didn't mesh with my own scientific beliefs. Even though I believed in some aspects of Islam, like women's rights, in the end I turned away from the faith.

My religious quest in university didn't last very long at all. I still found the courses interesting and insightful, but they didn't really affect me or my way of thinking. I'm glad I took the courses, as I believe that learning is never a waste, but I wish I'd been able to take something more away from them.

I have my faith in science. Now what I want is faith in something bigger...

"Scientists were rated as great heretics by the church, but they were truly religious men because of their faith in the orderliness of the universe" Albert Einstein

Losing Faith

I never did my confirmation as we had moved and I was in public school by that time. I vaguely remember being given a choice of whether I wanted to do it or not, and said no. So I may have started to lose my faith by then.

By the time I was in high school my faith was definitely lost. I was into astronomy and science and what I was learning about didn't coincide with my belief system. I don't think it was a conscious decision to stop believing in God, it was just the end result of believing in the Big Bang and evolution. I didn't know how to reconcile science and religion. I didn't even know if they could be reconciled. How could I believe that God created man in his image when I believed wholeheartedly that we evolved from some ape-type creature? I also had a hard time reconciling why God would let horrible things happen, especially to good people. It just didn't make sense to me.

I went through a very brief stage of calling myself an atheist, but then realized that I couldn't say for certain that God didn't exist, so I quickly started calling myself an agnostic as I couldn't be sure either way.

When I was 17 I hit a turning point. I suffered a sports injury that effectively ended what I had hoped would be a career in my chosen sport. I immediately became severely depressed. And confused. If God existed, how could he let this happen? What did I do to deserve his punishment?

I think it's fair to say that all this added up to one confused teenager. I didn't dwell on my lost faith, it was just something that happened. It didn't concern me at all. I didn't expect that a few years down the road I would begin searching for answers...

"The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us, and I for one must be content to remain an agnostic" Charles Darwin

Childhood

It was kind of nice being a kid. When you're a kid, you don't question things. Not really, anyway. Someone tells you about the Tooth Fairy or Santa and you just believe them. Same with God. I was baptized as a baby, taught about God, attended a Catholic school, did my First Communion...all without questioning what it was I was believing in.

The stories were nice - my favorite was always Noah's Ark. I liked hearing about Jesus and how he was born in the stable and his life, and I accepted it all as fact. Even after figuring out that the Tooth Fairy and Santa weren't real, I kept on believing in the religion I was being taught.

I liked believing. I liked thinking that everyone went to Heaven if they were good. My Granddad died when I was 6. I remember my mum telling me that "Granddad went to live with Jesus." I didn't really know what death was, but I knew Heaven was far away and that meant I wouldn't see my Granddad anymore. While I was sad, I knew he was in Heaven and that I would see him again.

I wish I still had that faith. Not necessarily blind faith, but faith of some sort.

"Ultimately, blind faith is the only kind" Mason Cooley

Welcome!

I guess I should start off by telling you a bit about myself:

• I'm a 30 year old, white female
  
• I'm recently married, after having been with my guy for almost 9 years
• I was born and raised in Canada
• I was raised Catholic
• I am currently Agnostic
• I love animals
• I believe, without a doubt, in the Big Bang and evolution
  

I'm trying to rediscover faith without compromising my scientific beliefs, which isn't easy. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this...my husband is 100% scientific and doesn't worry about whether there is a god or not. My best friend is agnostic like myself, but isn't too worried about changing that. Another good friend is religious, and just doesn't see what's so hard about believing. So it's hard to talk to people who are on completely different wavelengths. It's good sometimes, because they each offer their own perspective, but sometimes I just want people to understand what I'm feeling.

Hence, this blog. A place where I can just express myself without fear of any type. A place where I can try and ask questions that may offend some people in the real world. A place where I can admit my hopes and fears.

It may be a long journey, but it's one I need to take.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" Lao Tzu