Mixed Emotions

I haven't posted lately for a couple of reasons.

First, I've enrolled in an online degree program in Islamic studies through the Islamic Online University. It's a full time program, and this semester my courses are:

• Aqeedah
• Arabic
• Computers
• English
• Fiqh
• Tajweed

So far, my favorite is Fiqh, which for those who don't know is "a critical study of the history
of Islamic legislation and the evolution of its various schools of law." It's really interesting! We're only three modules in, but I've already learned so much. Tajweed is hard (basically the correct recitation of the Qur'an) as I think it assumes a basic understanding of the Arabic language, which I don't have. I'm really excited to be taking these courses and I hope to learn a lot!

The flip side to my happiness with my courses is that my best friend had a miscarriage - her second one in 6 months. She's only 29, so the odds should have been in her favor this time, but sadly they weren't.

Some people on a message board I frequent had suggested I start praying, as it couldn't hurt. I have been, and my best friend is someone I had been praying for. So when I heard the news that she had lost the baby, my reaction was to basically say "Well, that proves there's no God. How could he do that to such a wonderful, loving person? Not once, but twice?" I know that people will say that everything happens for a reason, but I can't see a reason for this. What kind of God would allow people to experience such joy and excitment, and then take that away? Then do it again 6 months later?

I know that if there is a God, then the reason we're here is to learn, and part of learning is suffering. Life on Earth can't be perfect because that's what heaven is. But hearing the pain in my friend's voice as she told me broke my heart, and I can't fathom how a loving God could do that to one of his children.

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Jesus (Matthew 27:46)

Quiet

It's the quiet times during the day that I find myself thinking about God and faith. Usually at night. Lately, I've been trying to pray at night. At this point, I still don't know who I'm praying to, but I hope someone is listening.

It's hard "going it alone" so to speak. I don't really have anyone to turn to and ask questions. With my husband, things usually turn into a good-natured debates, which I don't mind, but it doesn't really help me that much. My best friend is agnostic like me, so can't really answer any of my questions as her answers are either the same as mine or she has the same questions. I have a friend at work who is religious, but I don't know if we're at the point in our relationship where I can ask him the questions I need answering. It's not really lunchroom conversation, you know?

So, I'm left to ponder things in the quiet, by myself. I try to learn as much as I can by reading about different religions, but sometimes the answer I recieve from reading aren't clear enough, or I find conflicting answers.

I really do admire people who have strong faith. I wish I had a tiny portion of the faith that they have. I want to believe. I want to know what the Truth is. I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm going around in circles, when I want to be on a straight path. How long do I have to struggle before I find my way? How many more nights to I have to ponder? How many more periods of quiet will be shattered with my silent cries of frustration? When will it be my turn to believe?

"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into" Mahatama Gandhi

Questions

It's weird. I don't know why I want to find faith so much. I look at my husband and wonder how he can just go through life perfectly content being an agnostic. There's nothing wrong with his view, it's just not one I can comprehend. He asked me what faith would do for me and my response was that I won't know until I find it, but it can't be a bad thing. His counter-argument was that if he can lead a good life without faith, why spend so much time looking for it?

It's a fair point, but I can't not look. It's like there's this voice inside my head saying "Keep looking, Nix. You know the answers are there. You just have to find them." I can't explain it. There are times my brain goes into scientific mode and won't allow me to believe the universe and everything in it were created by some being. No, science doesn't give me all the answers, but the answers it gives make more sense than the answers of any particular religion. So then why am I even bothering to search for answers? Why am I looking into religions that tell me everything I take as fact is wrong? Because I can't not look.

I just finished participating in Lent for the first time in about 20 years. Some coworkers were giving things up and I jumped on the bandwagon. I figured it couldn't hurt. I gave up drinking pop, which was quite hard as I usually have 1 or 2 per day. I think I had hoped that participating might help me find something that was missing. I didn't. Maybe because I had already given up any thought of embracing Christianity.

I had thought about participating in Ramadan this year, but if I don't believe, is there a point in participating? Some have told me to go for it as it can only help bring me closer to God. But is there a point to making such a sacrifice if it's not for God? Yes, it will help me understand the suffering that countless people around the world go through, but will it bring me closer to God? I don't know. A lecturer I recently heard made the point that without believing in tawheed the other pillars (including the fast) are meaningless.

Wanting to believe is harder than it sounds. I can't just flick a switch and suddenly believe. It's not that easy. I want to be on the path to the truth, but I don't even know where the path begins.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King, Jr.